Here’s something I’ve learned from years of working with couples navigating betrayal:

they almost never agree on what an affair actually is.

One partner considers an emotional connection with a coworker, daily texts, shared confidences, the growing sense of being truly understood, as the deepest possible betrayal. The other partner, who had a one-time physical encounter that meant nothing emotionally, is genuinely confused about why their partner considers the former worse.

Neither of them is wrong about what they feel. But they never established a shared definition of what fidelity meant to them specifically. So when something happened, they were not only dealing with the hurt,  they were also dealing with a fundamental disagreement about what had actually occurred.

This is the definition problem. And it lives underneath a surprising number of the conflicts I see in my work with couples.

What one couple finds completely acceptable, another experiences as a profound violation. Porn. Flirtatious friendships. Emotional intimacy with an ex. Attention-seeking behavior online. The range of what couples consider within or outside the bounds of their relationship is wider than most people realize. And almost nobody discusses it explicitly until something goes wrong.

The Rising Trend I’m Seeing

And What It’s Really About

Since COVID something has shifted in the couples I work with. I am seeing a rise in a specific kind of behavior that doesn’t fit neatly into the traditional definition of an affair. Yet it causes real pain and real damage when it comes to light.

Attention-seeking. And Confirmation-seeking.
The quiet, often secret pursuit of evidence that they are still desirable. Still attractive. Still wanted by someone.

Not a physical affair. Not even necessarily an emotional one. Something different. And in some ways more revealing about what’s missing. 

I have worked with clients who trolled dating apps without any intention of meeting anyone. Others who posted photos on sites (carefully chosen, never local) just to see if anyone responded. To feel the rush of being found attractive by a real person. To confirm that they still “had it”.

Is this behavior hurtful to a partner who discovers it? Absolutely. Is it a betrayal of trust? In most relationships, yes. Is it the same as a sustained emotional affair or a pattern of physical infidelity? Not exactly.

And that distinction matters. Not to excuse it, but to understand it. Because the behavior that looks like betrayal on the surface is often something else underneath: a person who feels invisible, undesired, or disconnected from their own sense of attractiveness, reaching for external confirmation in the most available and anonymous way they can find.

That is not a defense of the behavior. It is an invitation to understand the need driving it. Because you cannot address what you refuse to examine.

Everyone wants to feel desired. Everyone wants to feel wanted. That need doesn’t disappear when you get married. And a marriage that stops meeting the need doesn’t make the need go away. It just makes it more vulnerable to being met elsewhere.

A Note On Where This Can Lead

I want to be honest about something without overstating it: behavior that feels harmless in isolation can have a progressive quality. What begins as passive attention-seeking can, over time and under the right conditions, become something more. Not inevitably. Not always. But the pattern is worth understanding.

This is not a reason for alarm. It is a reason for conversation, ideally long before anything concerning has happened. The couple that has talked honestly about their needs, their vulnerabilities, and what they expect from each other is far better positioned to recognize a warning sign and address it directly than the couple who has never examined these questions at all.

Which brings me to the most important thing I want to say in this article.

The Monogamy Agreement: A Conversation Worth Having Now

Every couple has an implicit understanding of what their relationship allows and what it doesn’t. Most couples have never made that understanding explicit.

A monogamy agreement is simply the honest, specific conversation that makes the implicit explicit. It is not a legal document. It is not a sign of distrust. It is two people who have chosen each other sitting down and defining, in their own words, for their own relationship, what fidelity means to them.

That Conversation Might Cover:

• What do we each consider a betrayal? Physical contact only, or does emotional intimacy with another person cross a line? What about ongoing flirtatious friendships?
• How do we feel about pornography. Individually and together? Is it something we’re comfortable with, something we want to explore together, or something that feels like a violation of our agreement?
• What about attention-seeking behavior online, like dating apps, social media flirtation, anonymous interactions? Where is our line?
• If one of us is feeling undesired or disconnected, what do we want the other to do? How do we want that need to be expressed rather than acted on?
• What would we need from each other if one of us crossed a line we’d agreed on?

 Some questions will feel uncomfortable to ask and to answer. But the discomfort of having this conversation in a calm, connected moment is nothing compared to the devastation of having it in the aftermath of something that could have been prevented. Or at least better understood, if you’d talked about it first.

The couples who have this conversation are not more suspicious of each other. They are more honest with each other. And that honesty builds a kind of trust that assumption never can.

What This Conversation Actually Protects

A monogamy agreement doesn’t protect your marriage from every possible threat. Nothing does.

What it does is give you both a shared language for your relationship. A  clear, mutually understood framework for what you’ve agreed to and what you expect. It means that if something concerning comes up, a behavior that makes one partner uncomfortable, a need that’s going unmet, a pattern that’s starting to feel like a warning sign, there is already a foundation for an honest conversation rather than a defensive confrontation.

It also gives both partners permission to express needs that might otherwise go unspoken. The partner who is feeling undesired has a place to bring that feeling before it becomes a vulnerability. The partner who is struggling with something they’re not proud of has an existing framework for honesty rather than secrecy.

And it affirms something that every strong marriage is built on: that you chose each other deliberately, you continue to choose each other deliberately, and that choice deserves to be honored with clarity and intention rather than assumption.

 

When Something Has Already Happened

If you’re reading this and something has already occurred ( a discovery, a confession, a behavior that has shaken your trust) the monogamy agreement conversation is still available to you. It just looks different now.

It becomes part of the larger work of figuring out what happened, what it meant, and what you want to do next. That work is hard. It requires honesty from both partners and a willingness to examine not just the behavior but the conditions that created it.

I work with couples navigating exactly this territory. The complicated, painful, and often surprisingly hopeful space of what comes after a betrayal. The decision of what to do next: to stay and rebuild, to end the relationship with as much grace as possible, or to take more time before deciding, that decision deserves to be made from a place of clarity rather than crisis.

That clarity is possible. And you don’t have to find it alone.

It is better to have a tough conversation than a tough situation.

If you and your partner are ready to have the monogamy agreement conversation, or if something has already happened and you’re not sure what comes next, I’m here. 

[Download the free Monogamy Agreement Conversation Guide →] (coming soon)